People used to think I was cool. In grad school I would do yoga, drink green tea, and talk about religion. I'd read interesting books, talk about documentaries; I flew to Japan one spring break...it was a time in my life that I felt really solid. Things were going well. And I think the whole reason things were going so great was because I was really connected...spiritually. I was desperately trying to become my most authentic self. Whatever that means...
Then I graduated, got a job, married a wonderful man, got a dog (not in that order...) and suddenly life became really mundane. I resented having to work so much, got tired and was lazy when I came home, couldn't muster up any energy to save my life. I was in a serious rut.
Luckily, I'm working my way out of said rut and I'll tell you, it's beautiful. First, it's nice to connect with family and friends...I don't know where I lost sight of the importance of relationships, but there's nothing better than the feeling of reconnecting. I've still got a lot to do, but I'm proud to spend my time that way. Also, it feels good to be climbing back out of my head. That rut was dangerous! Maybe that rut was depression; I'm not quite sure. Regardless, I'm glad I'm going in a better direction now. It's like somebody took Windex and cleared the film away (that "someone, was God and his miraculous grace, of course). Everything's prettier (still frigidly cold...hahaha, but prettier). I appreciate having the time to be thankful for all of God's blessings. I spent a lot of time frustrated, angry, sad, etc. These days, each new day is an exercise in humbling myself. And while growing pains can hurt, it's been a good hurt, ya know?
Anyhow, back to The Irresistible Revolution. My friend Liz (who, clearly, is cosmically connected to me for all eternity, as we continuously...seven years and counting...go through similar things at similar times in our lives) recommended this book to me a few weeks ago. That was the same phone conversation that led to me giving up television, trying to spend money in intentional ways, etc. So, I get it from the library (feeling even more chic for not buying the book...how egotistical am I?!) and start reading it and WOW. Thank you for the recommendation, Ms. Liz. This book has come into my life at a most perfect time. As Andy and I have found a church that we adore, and a place where we are touched by the spirit of God every week, I've really really REALLY been craving my own spiritual revival. Or rather, I've been IN my own spiritual revival and then comes an irresistible book.
For a long time, I've struggled with Christianity, because, I love God, my savior is Jesus Christ, but I've seen the cruel world that can go on inside the "Christian Church". Hypocrisy; mixed up priorities; etc. I've always wanted to experience a different kind of "Christianity". One where I could follow God and not feel...like a cheater/liar/fraud. For a long time I combatted this by saying "my faith is deeply personal. I'll keep to myself and will still be able to love God". However, the more I learn about the Scriptures, and Jesus' life (yes...the more I learn NOW, because I'm not sure where my brain was when I spent 4 years in the religious studies department at BSU...) the more and more and more I hear that God called us to be in fellowship with one another. I can't be a hermit and live God's will. I can't pull my head and arms and legs back into my shell and hope for the best. I've gotta get OUT THERE. "Out there" had always been a seriously terrifying phrase for me. I'm an introvert...ask the MBTI I just took a few weeks ago. People make me nervous. I never know what to say. I don't think I'm interesting enough to contribute to conversations. Maybe they don't like my clothes or my hair or my attitude, or whatever. So I've been struggling to find a way to be in fellowship with others while maintaining consciousness. At the same time, I've been yearning for a way to extend my faith and spiritual growth.
Then comes Ms. Liz and Mr. Claiborne. I'm not even finished with the book yet (heck, I'm not even 100 pages in!) and I'm more inspired than I have been in years. Of course, I'm not going to run off and join a commune or anything, but through this book God is so graciously reminding me that there's an entire world out there, and many many people in it, who need to be shown the love of Jesus.
So, what can I do? I'm not sure yet. But I'm going to try to figure it out. I can't call up Mother Theresa like Shane did, but I'm sure there's amazing opportunities right here in CF.
The change in my life has been dramatic. Heck, a few years ago...even a few MONTHS ago, I wouldn't have been able to write the things I have in this very blog. If my family ever reads this, they'll probably think I've gone off the deep end. Maybe they'll want to go to...?! I'm so thankful for God's amazing grace.
I'm hoping this blog will organize itself into something less random, but, until then, thanks to those who trudge through the ramblings...
1 comment:
Ashleigh, my heart is so happy reading what you've written here. I am so blessed to be your friend and so encouraged by your words, you have no idea! I will be praying that you continue to find peace and growth through Christ.
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